He Won't Go

He stayed  inside me. He decided to stay inside me, above me, surrounding me. This wasn't love or desire. Everything had been  burned up earlier.

But he stayed. Because I told him he was going to dissapear one day. That once he had my heart, he would run away. Don't try to be  the man you can't, I said. I told that and tried to prove it. So I gave myself to him and shouted: Je suis à toi. I did that just to make him run away. I did it to prove that I knew him more. 

But his stubborness was bigger than him. It was stronger than his love for me. So he stayed because I had said he wouldn't. And I asked him not to. But he did not hear, he just loved me in an ardently and stubborn way...  He loved me just to make me mad, he loved me to prove I was wrong about him and about men and about humanity...

He loved me just to show me how vulnerable I was. 

Now I have a man inside me, beside me... a man who follows me... I tried to love him but I can't... because every time I look at him I look the evidence of my weakness and the face of the hope I had lost. I see every day in his closed eyes when I wake up the visage of the world I had abandoned, the ironic smile of the world I had resisted... 

I have a man around me who talks to the quivering little girl inside me. She loves him and she runs to him every night, and every night I have to go inside him just to find her... just to cover her up and hide her away... I have to protect her from falling in love with someone... I have to avoid she grows up... as I did. That quivering girl inside me is all I have... and I can't let her be like me. That's why I haven't run away from him because every night she guides me over and over again to him...